We Are Canadian, eh? - We are coming. Expect Us!

Empires rise and fall, colonies break away to form independent nations and new empires and superpowers are born. Britain, Russia, Austria, Rome and many others including our friends to the south in the United States have had their turn as the world’s leading empire or superpower. Now, it is Canada’s turn.

We have been the world’s nice guys for too long and have stood by quietly while others hogged the spotlight. We have remained silent as other countries stole our most talented and left us with Don Cherry and Ben Mulroney. We watched as our natural resources were plundered by everyone except President Obama who was polite enough not to commit to taking our oil from the oil sands so that we could sell it to China.

Canadian Rapid Transit

We have listened to countless  tiresome jokes about living in igloos (ok, some of us do), being a nation of lumberjacks (ok, we have bunch) and have only two seasons, winter and July (how silly - in some parts of the country we have spring and September too.)

We remained stoic while others mistook us for Americans or Brits or illiterate French who couldn't speak either of our official languages properly. They're our languages, we'll speak 'em the way we want to eh!. We were  brave in the face of the humiliation of having to accept that our football was like our dollar used to be, not quite on par. It has only three downs instead of four like the NFL

We suffered through watching our currency never quite achieve parity with the U.S. dollar until recently, as if it wasn’t good enough for the rest of the world no matter how colourful and attractive we made it. And we are tired of the Americans blaming every Arctic cold front on us as if we did it on purpose. Get over it. We come to Florida every winter and spend a lot of money at Target to help keep your economy going. We're fed up with people from other countries asking us if we know some friend of theirs on the other side of the country. Canada is big, I mean really really big. You could put all of Great Britain in Lake Superior. So no, we don't know everyone living here and definitely not your pal although because we're Canadian we're quite sure that he is a very nice person.  We're definitely tired of being treated like we're the world's worst polluter. Eight of the top ten cities in the world with the cleanest air are Canadian, except for the smell of poutine and beavertails, of course.  We're annoyed that the U.S., Denmark and Russia now think they have a claim to the Arctic because they want our oil but don't want to pay for it. It's ours as any Atlas will show you. Even schoolchildren know that if it's pink on a map of North America - it's Canadian! Our American friends should remember that the last time we went to war with each other was in 1812. We won and we still have the muskets and other equipment from that war should we need to defend our Arctic sovereignty. We're tired of being ignored and treated like we don't know how to be cool. The rest of the world needs to get it through their heads once and for all. Canadians are cool.....not just cold!

Yes, we are Canadians and we know the meaning of having suffered but we won't be bullied or taken for granted any more. We have been the world's whipping boy (and/or girl) for too long. Enough we say!. We are Canadians and we are the next superpower. CNN has decreed it!

The nutritional BeaverTail

Within a decade, the better part of the world will be eating BeaverTails, poutine and wearing toques. Countries that try to resist us will be forced to watch endless reruns of  Hinterland Who's Who and the CBC’s The Nature of Things while we watch American Idol and Dancing With The Stars.

Because we’re Canadian, we will not expand by military force which is a good thing. The second-hand submarines we bought from Britain won’t be fully functional for another year or two and there is some debate now as to whether or not we will proceed to purchase those new fighter jets. Besides, we're only violent when our hockey team loses in the playoffs and then we tend to only burn our own cities.

Now this is Canadian hockey....
or should be

Instead we will expand country by country lulling each into a false sense of security by encouraging them to adopt our colourful money as their official currency. We will teach them how to play hockey the real way….the Canadian way and then beat them into submission on the ice. Nobody plays hockey like we do and especially not the Toronto Maple Leafs!

We will continue planting infiltrators like Justin Beiber, William Shatner, and Jim Carey who will slowly infiltrate the entertainment industries of countries we've targeted giving us vital intelligence for our mission, as well as, the opportunity to attend the Academy and Grammy Awards where we'll get to meet and get autographs from a lot of really great stars like Madonna and Lady Gaga.

We will pretend to be polite because we know no one is suspicious of the motives of those who are courteous. But make no mistake. We are Canadian and we are coming. Being polite is more than just our nature, it is our strategy for world domination.

There is never a danger of a

personality cult in Canada.

Our Prime Minister doesn't have

a personality

We are the only country in the world being led by an accountant who has the sense of humour of a tax auditor. It gives us an advantage over those nations led by leaders with a personality and no ethics.

Canada's time is now!. We are determined and we are ready. We can be provocative....well, almost but we will conquer nonetheless and we will rule…..if that’s ok with everyone else. We are Canadian. We are the metric equivalent of Legion. We're tired of forgiving. We try not to forget. Expect us, eh!

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