Hung Like A Porn Star

I receive a fair number of tweets on Twitter, direct messages, comments on my blog and emails. It is even more correspondence than I used to deal with when I was working in high tech and I appreciate that so many take the time to contact me. Most of the messages are supportive and complimentary, some are critical and a small number are outright bizarre. I think sometimes I enjoy the bizarre ones the most, if only for the comic relief.

Lately, however, I’ve received a number of emails from companies and people that really touched me. These are messages that are reaching out to me to try and help me get the most out of my life. I am not overly sentimental but I confess that I have been deeply moved by their concern and generosity of spirit.

This morning, for example, I received a few that were particularly thoughtful and I would like to share them with you.

Now available in handfulls

The first came from an online organization that is concerned about my mental health. Unlike a few who have written to tell me I’m nuts, this group wrote to offer me discounted anti-depressants and with no prescription needed. I thought that was damn nice of them. They were offering to not only reduce the price of drugs but to cut out the  middle man, that doctor guy who only gets in the way of self-medicating.

Related to that email was the second offering to provide me with discounted Viagra. Again, no prescription necessary, all I needed was a credit card or a PayPal account and a limp biscuit, so to speak. You have to admire a company that is not only concerned about the well-being of their customers but their wives and girlfriends as well.

I have to admit that the offer was tempting but there are so many logistical issues involved like would I have to buy bigger underwear, that I finally decided to pass. But I did appreciate the generosity of their offer. They were going to sell me thirty pills for only $19.95 and would double my offer if I acted right away.

When you care enough to give
the very best

It sort of reminded me of Sham Wow Vince and his, “You know we can’t do this all day” ads on television. I imagine if he bought some of those discounted Viagra pills he probably could do it all day.

Interestingly enough, the next email continued the theme but was a little more direct and moved away from pharmaceutical solutions to life. It was concerned with the length and breadth of, what the books my mother used read refer to as, my “throbbing manhood”.  They didn’t put it quite as delicately as her literature, the headline was: “Now You Too Can Be Hung Like A Porn Star!” 

Bob's engineering schematic

At first I thought it was a little personal for someone I didn't know to be concerned with my equipment but I was intrigued because it offered a technological approach to making Bob bigger. (yes, I call my equipment Bob…I named it after my brother-in-law who wasn’t nearly as honoured as I thought he would be). 

I’m not a hundred percent sure how the thing worked but it was big (a lot bigger than Bob), involved inserting Bob into a tube and electricity. I never expose Bob to electricity and I’m not very good with tools so I decided this offer, as well intentioned as it was meant, was probably not for me. 

How nice is that?

I was getting into a bit of a topic rhythm but the last email took a 180 on me although it was the most generous of the bunch. They weren’t selling anything. I can only assume it was from a philanthropic organization located somewhere in California because they wrote to tell me that my loan had been approved. I thought this was particularly generous of them considering I hadn’t applied for a loan. Usually when you apply for a loan you have to go through all kinds of hoops at your bank including a full colon examination but this group just randomly pick people and regardless of their credit or economic circumstance, provide them with a loan. How nice is that? Maybe Occupy has done some good in getting the financial industry to become more sensitive after all.

I was so touched that even though I don’t need the money, I wrote and thanked them and told them to go ahead and send me the money by email transfer. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings by declining such a generous offer.

I know some of you are skeptical about all the scams and snake oil sales people out there but there are some good folks and I heard from a few of them this morning. That’s why I’m sharing this with you today.  I wanted you to know that there are some decent people in the world committed to trying to make the world a better place by offering us products and services that will give us confidence, reduce our anxiety and make us proud to be naked and all for less than you would pay at Wal-Mart or Target.

If you thought the Interet was nothing more than a Flea Market for hucksters and quick buck artists, I hope this article has helped to restore your faith in our fellow human beings,

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